On The Divine

The Olympics are over, so I can stop caring about boring sporting events, such as swimming. Michael Phelps won eight gold medals. That’s impressive, but they were all for swimming. Not one of those medals was for something other than swimming. Imagine if the beach volleyball players had the chance to win 8 medals, depending on various factors. Such events might include fire volleyball, beach volleyball with finer beach sand, barefoot volleyball, only 2 hits per side volleyball, slightly taller net volleyball, hot sand volleyball, quick change of clothes volleyball and relay volleyball. There were so many opportunities for Phelps to win gold, and he didn’t even swim in the other 762 swimming events.

My uncle thinks synchronized events should not be in the Olympics. I would argue that only synchronized events should be in the Olympics. If it can’t be synchronized, then it’s usually not worth watching. I had the pleasure of viewing a few synchronized swimming events on prime time. Not only do they swim upside-down, they do crazy tricks and smile the entire time. Try that, Michael Phelps.

Was I the only American rooting for Hungary to beat the Americans in water polo? Was I the only American watching water polo? It’s Hungary’s national sport, according the the announcer. Let them have the gold. I thought it was just a game kids played in the community pool. I was surprised to see water polo a legitimate Olympic sport. Is Marco Polo an Olympic sport, too? I imagine the water polo team to be the guys who didn’t quite make the cut for football, so they collectively said, “let’s put on ear muffs and speedos and play soccer in the pool, but use our hands.”

I somehow missed the event where they throw up a ribbon, do a few break dance moves, and catch the ribbon. That might be my all time favorite Olympic event. Make that a synchronized event and the International Olympics Committee would win the gold…in my heart. Now that I think of it, what happened to the other 4,000 events? During prime time, NBC just showed beach volleyball, swimming, running and swimming.

Now please excuse me while I become a facebook fan of Phelps.

I’ve always had great sensitivities toward how others feel in the same environment as me. Whenever I’m at a party, which is never, I tend to focus on the person who doesn’t know too many others and imagine how they feel. I should say how I walk over to them and spark up a conversation, but since social situations make me hyperventilate, I just feel sorry for them and hope someone else makes them feel more comfortable. I’m a real jerk like that.

At church I wonder how awkward certain situations can be for those not used to them. I’ve been going to church all of my life, and I still get uncomfortable. We’ve been attending our church for only a few weeks since we’ve moved, but already I’ve felt odd when the associate pastor asked everyone to hold their bibles above their head and pray, like it’s some kind of channeling tool to reach God. I’ve always thought of the bible as the words inside to be what it’s all about, but the actual tangible book is just a book. When it’s old and stained it’s okay to throw it away and buy a new bible. It’s not voodoo - the actual book does not contain the holy spirit. I don’t think. And so I felt awkward. My wife and I just stood there and felt even more awkward when we didn’t participate in the bible raising. It’s only one associate pastor, so we can live with feeling awkward one every 6 or 7 weeks.

Imagine how it felt for my friends to come to Catholic church with me when I was a kid. At any given time we would stand up, shake ten people’s hands while wishing them peace, make some odd gestures with our thumbs, talk about lambs in unison, and listen to the shortest message ever that was usually not even audibly understandable in the tall cathedral full of cruel images in stained glass. Now that’s an hour full of awkwardness for them, but for me it was a normal Sunday. When I was 12 my family went to a friend’s church in the middle of Nebraska. It was 3 long hours full of speaking in tongues with no translation. Do you think growing up Catholic I had ever heard of speaking in tongues? If you answered “no”, move ahead three spaces. I was nervous and fully prepared for any venom drinking or fire walking, but luckily it was just speaking in tongues.

I brought a coworker to church recently. Someone who hadn’t been to church since they were young. She had bad experiences with church and had no desire to return, but agreed after the 100th time I asked. She was surprised by everything. She told me she didn’t feel out of place, and her kids loved the classes. The most important thing for a church to do is make someone feel welcome. Make them feel like they’ve been going there a while - none of this “stand up if you’re new” stuff I’ve heard about but luckily have never experienced. I, of course, probably won’t walk up to anyone new and introduce myself, so everyone else needs to step it up a little. Verbal communication is not my strong suite. I’m a real jerk like that. Okay, okay! I’m feeling convicted (that’s Christian for, “I’m feeling guilty). I’ll try harder.

There are many thing that make a blog successful, and I do none of them. I’d like to increase my readership by fixing my problems…PROBLEM: I jump around from topic to topic, from The Biggest Cross not in Texas to Things I’ve Never Done That Start With The Letter K.
SOLUTION: Focus on one topic, like everyday living as a Christian in a Philadelphia suburb, or bologna gravy. Two people (or one person twice) found my blog by searching for “bologna gravy”. I’ve never heard of bologna gravy, but apparently something led them here. If I dedicated my blog to bologna gravy, I’d most likely corner the bologna gravy blog market.

PROBLEM: I close people out with humor so dry 100% of readers who are not me are completely lost.
SOLUTION: Make my humor more understandable. Every time I think something is funny, I’ll ask myself, “would the studio audience of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ laugh at this joke?”. If not, delete and try again.

PROBLEM: One friend always leaves comments that I have poor grammar. I have to assume he’s right because he’s doesn’t provide further information.
SOLUTION: Send this friend offering of fine meats and cheeses in exchange for specific examples of my poor grammar.

PROBLEM: The few people who commit to reading my blogs never leave comments because they are above leaving comments on blogs, therefor I simply don’t have comments to generate other comments. The only exception are atheists who find THIS post and tell me their thoughts.
SOLUTIONS: Tell my friends if they don’t leave comments, I will no longer laugh at their stupid jokes OR write more posts that generate atheists.

PROBLEM: I haven’t written for over a month. It makes it seam like I just don’t care, but I do care. After 45 hours of staring at a computer screen, I simply get sick of it (TV is exempt, of course).
SOLUTION: Instead of playing with my kids and talking to my wife, stick to writing. Insist this is more important than family.

PROBLEM: This blog is another example of how I am not focusing on a specific topic.
SOLUTION: No known solution.

PROBLEM: I write about my friends. Readers don’t care about my friends. It doesn’t relate to them.
SOLUTION: This is tricky, because I really don’t have very many friends. Honestly, every time I refer to a friend it’s usually one of three people, none who live in the same city as me. Take pity on me, I’m not the popular kid you might have come to know.

Despite my hiatus, I still generate a few readers a day. I’d like to increase that number by living by the solutions above. This post isn’t really for anyone to read, it’s my personal manifesto to be a better writer. This brings me to my final problem/solution:

PROBLEM: I write for my own sake.
SOLUTION: Don’t, dummy.

We’ve successfully moved from Carlisle, PA to Lansdale, PA…or maybe Upper Gwynedd, PA. We’ve received conflicting information to exactly where we live, so we’ll have to contact the post office. I hope it’s Lansdale because it’s sounds more pleasant. Two days ago we crammed a moving truck full of our junk, drove two hours, and unpacked. That was the hardest work I’ve done in my life. By the time the last piece of furniture was in the house I was absolutely exhausted. I was so dehydrated I think I only peed once all day.

We now live in a spacious 3 bedroom apartment. It’s very quiet and clean and I’m enjoying central air - an amenity I’ve never experienced in a home before. We first heard about this place when we were looking at another apartment and the girl who worked there told us to check out this place if we wanted something with more space. If it wasn’t for her, we’d be living in an apartment much smaller for the same price. I’m still confused why she sent us away. Maybe she didn’t like us, or maybe she liked us enough to send us someplace else. Either way, we’re happy here so far. Boxes still litter our house. I imagine it might take weeks to fully unload the boxes, especially since I start work tomorrow, leaving Michelle with two boys and a messy house for the majority of the day. I not going to really feel at home until the house back home sells (see how I wrote “back home”? That’s what I’m talking about).

We’ve been driving around figuring out where the parks, restaurants, grocery stores, cheapest gas, day cares, libraries, and other points of interest are in Lansdale, Upper Gwynedd, North Wales, Montgomery, whatever. I’m still use to Colorado where cities are bigger. Here every two blocks is considered a different city or town, which means there are “city parks” everywhere. Everything runs together into one giant outer suburb of Philadelphia. The Septa train runs close to here, yet I feel so far away from the city. I noticed there are quite a few Indian restaurants around here, which is great news for when/if my wife and I will ever be able to get away from the kids for an evening. There is also a giant International foods grocery store, which we visited today. “International” apparently means oriental food with one Mexican isle. I was surprised the majority of the customers where not white - probably more than 90% were Asian. There were foods I’ve never seen before in my life. The seafood area had live blue crab, eels, and cod, along with frozen whole squid, baby octopus and other squidish sea creatures. We purchased some dumplings, tofu, sesame snacks, and pea pod crunchy things. They had a food court area where we were the only white people there. I knew then it had to be good authentic food. I ate beef udon with a side of some crunchy spicy root thing and some pickled somethings. The boys were less impressed. I told my wife every Saturday from now on I’m going to eat there by myself. She said that was fine as long as when I get back she gets to go to the fitness center by herself. These are the kinds of deals you make when you’ve been married (nearly) ten years.

I quit my job at a small company of 5 or 6 full time employees and am starting a job at a large company with who-knows-how-many employees. Everything is so official, from the drug testing to the full day of orientation I have to endure tomorrow. I’ve never had a full day of orientation before. It’s always been, “There’s your computer. There’s the bathroom. Ok, get to work.” Now I have a badge with my photo and if my computer breaks, I just page someone to fix it for me. Both situations have obvious perks. I’m just looking forward to getting settled in and knowing what to do. I’m looking forward to a month from now. I’ll be moved in and know more what I’m suppose to be doing at work. I’m excited and anxious about this new adventure in Lansdale (or Upper Gwynedd).

Although I’ve had quite a few people look at my house, I have yet to receive competing contracts that rival each other until the price is inflated 50% above listing price. In fact, I haven’t had any offers. I have priced the house very fair, and Realtors have thought the same. I’ve listed on Craigslist, in the local paper for a couple weeks, hosted an open house, purchased a MLS number, placed a sign in our front yard, listed on various FSBO sites, and have emailed local Realtors letting them know I am offering a 3% buyers agent fee, which is standard. It’s not a seller’s market.

After emailing one Realtor, I received this response:

We expend our time and resources only on clients—- who both pay and receive superior results.
We wish you well with your private endeavor.
Ray “Buz” Wolfe, Jr., CRS, Broker/Partner
WOLFE & SHEARER REALTORS

I’m not sure “Buz” understands how the market is designed. If he truly expended his time and resources only on clients, he would show them all potential houses that matched their criteria. If he brought his “paying” clients to us, he would receive 3% commission (I’m not sure why he would be making someone looking for a house pay. It doesn’t usually work that way.). At least he wished me well.

Now I have to continue to pray and have faith God will take care of things in his time. I just wish his timing was a little more on the same page. I found myself grasping the phone with both hands and holding it up to my head praying. I was begging God to make the phone to ring. “Make this phone ring with good news, Lord,” I said. It didn’t ring. About 20 minutes later the phone rang. A man politely asked questions about the house and thanked me. It made me feel better for a few minutes, but now I’m back to hoping, wishing and praying with the cell phone next to my keyboard.

Ring, phone. RING! Lord, make this phone ring! Maybe He wants me to forgive “Buz” for being such a jerk first.

When checking out at Walmart, the lady put a single item in a bag. “oh, I don’t need a bag, ” my wife said. The lady took the item out and threw away the bag. From the lady’s perspective, my wife just didn’t want to hassle with a bag, but my wife was trying to do her part in making this earth a better place to live by consuming less.

On my bicycle ride to work, I carefully inspect the driver of every car that passes me and assess whether they are physically able to get to work by another means other than a car, truck, or minivan. The answer is usually yes, because I live in Central Pennsylvania. Chances are if you’re on a bicycle, it’s because you’ve had a DUI and lost your driver’s license. This is meat and potato country. Well, maybe bologna, gravy fries and scrapple country. People smoke cigarettes here like it’s 1987. I set up a recycling bin at my work, but I still pull bottles and cans out of co-workers trash. Realtors drive hummers to promote business. You get the point. Sure there are still “green” people here that take care of their bodies and the environment, but it’s a far cry from my home state of Colorado.

I’m not implying I am the perfect person. We’re a two-car family. I own a gas lawn mower. Last year I put fertilizer on my grass. I’ve even thrown a penny away (my wife yelled and me and set me straight on this one). But I’ve been feeling the pressure to take care of the earth lately. I’m not exactly sure what triggered it, but the amount of trash our family throws away every week astonishes me. Everywhere I look people are consuming more and more and taking care of the earth less and less. I’ve overheard two people in the last month bluntly say, “I don’t recycle” like it was part of their manifesto.

God gave us this earth and we should treat it right. Recycle, pick up trash on the sidewalk, ride your bike to work, be aware of the packaging on your foods, use freecycle instead of throwing things away, use a reel mower. Just do what you can to heal our earth.

As usual, I haven’t had time to write lately. It could be because I’m quitting my job, selling the house, moving to the burbs of Philadelphia, buying/renting a place, finding a new job, finding a daycare and a church since my wife is going back to school to become an Optometrist. Or maybe it’s because I’m lazy.

I’m trying to save realtor fees by selling the house myself. I’m a designer, so the marketing part is not a problem. I don’t have an MLS number though, so the visibility is limited to Craigslist, the local newspaper, a yard sign, a website, and a couple free sites like owners.com. I posted the house on Tuesday and have already shown the house twice and had a number of other people call. Just today I put a stat counter on the website this morning just to see how many people are checking it out.

The other big issue is our home size. We live in a 4 bedroom, 1700+ square foot house, which is plenty of space for the four of us plus our dogs and cat. If we get our asking price, that will translate into a 2 bedroom house closer to Philly. It’s a lot more expensive closer to the big city. This means about half of our furniture and toys will have to be sold or given away. That’s okay, I’m not really attached our furniture anyway.

So, Blogreader, here’s how you can help:

1. Buy my house for $176,900
2. Find me a graphic design job around the Philly area
3. Let me stay in your house, Bill Cosby. I hear you live in Elkins Park and it would be great if our family could live with you. We would grow a wonderful garden in your yard and make wonderful meals for you. Think about it (if you aren’t Bill Cosby but know him, please let him know).

Someone just called to look at the house, so I need to pick up some stuff.

Wine festivals are better than beer festivals for three or four main reasons:

1. When people drink too much wine at a winefest, they find a spot on the grass and sleep. When people drink too much beer at a beerfest, they climb telephone poles and insult those below.

2. Attractive, well dressed people go to winefests. Even the old people are attractive. No guys with braids, no Marilyn Manson t-shirts, no fat moms with sandals.

3. People don’t cut in front of others. Wine is a mellow drug. It’s all about the love at winefests.

4. No reggae music. Reggae music has it’s place, and that place is Jamaica. I’m kidding. I’m a fan of Peter Tosh and some Bob Marley, I just don’t want to see four stoned white guys playing bongos.

At work, I’ve been tasked with the assignment of hiring someone. I’ve interviewed seven people so far, and I feel more confused than ever. All seven are capable of doing the job at some level, but how do I find the employee who will fit in just right? I have no idea. I could be changing someone’s path in life forever. My main objective isn’t to find the person capable of completing their assignments the best, but to find the person who will enjoy their job the most. Sure everything else is important, like hard work and the ability to learn quickly, but I want someone who will have fun at their position.

In case you’re curious, I’m looking for a graphic designer who doesn’t mind a good load of production work. Building templates, maintaining our website, building pricing lists and even database stuff. Truth is, I would love to hire someone strictly for their love and skill at graphic design, but that’s not who we need. I’ve always wanted to own my own graphic design studio with a couple designers. I have the creativity, just not the social/sales capability. So if you’re out there and would like to team up, let me know. Although it needs some serious updating, my portfolio can be found here. Okay, now I’m really getting off track.

I was just thinking as I was typing this first paragraph (Yes I can type one thing and think another. My mind is always set to ‘crazy’) that the people I’ve interviewed so far are fairly internet savvy, so I’m thinking they could probably track this blog down to know my true thoughts. So I’ll say this now: if I’ve interviewed you and you’re the first to call me and say the secret password “League of Justice”, you automatically get the job. Maybe not, but you’ll get bonus points for doing superb research (bonus points are equal to nothing).

The main reason I sat down to write this entry was to express how odd it is to have people dress up and try to impress me. It’s a new feeling for me. I’ve always been the quiet guy, the guy behind-the-scenes, the guy that will design something as the sales staff get the accolades for the nicely designed brochure. Now people are showing up with proper, well-thought out answers to my silly questions (ie. What is your dream job?).

And so I must make a decision that will change someone’s career path. Will I be helping or hindering them? Will they fit in? Will they like Budweiser like the rest of my coworkers or have a more sophisticated pallet (that’s right, I said it)? Will they make fun of my lunches when I bring in something less “Central Pennsylvania” and something more “Colorado”? Will they complain about everything? Will they be annoying? serious? funny? depressing? Maybe I should have asked the 7 potential candidates these questions.

Email transcript:

Mike: THAT’S what you and I should be doing! Cruisin’ the country, from state to state, school to school with our Star Lab thingy! We could teach the kids about the stars, and then end it with a Primus laser show. Yes! I’ll go tell my boss right now….

Me: A Primus laser show? That’s funny. This guy in my (new) small group is a principal of a middle school. He was talking about the people that come in and how much they get paid. All that’s required is some quick inspirational message. I say forget the star lab - it takes too long to set up. Let just do an act where I’m a ventriloquist and you’re a dummy. Quick in, quick out, split $300/$200.

Mike: I think our act should just be you and I swapping clothes REALLY REALLY fast. Just clothes, not boxers. Actually, they most likely wouldn’t let us do that. Maybe we just trade hats REALLY REALLY fast.

Me:
Promo letter:
Attn: School Principals

Can you trade hats with someone in less than a minute? less than 30 seconds? How about less than 10 seconds? I didn’t think so. Drake and Mike: Hat Traders!™ will be in your town, village, or metropolis on Monday, March 25 for a exclusive, one time hat-trading extravagaaaaaaanza! Watch these two friends as they trade hats in less than 5 SECONDS, again and again. Everything from fedoras to tams will be traded from Drake to Mike, and back to Drake again before you can say “abstinence!”, which is the lesson your students will learn during our unique performance. In a special segment called “separation time” Drake and Mike will draw the similarities of hat trading with sexually transmitted diseases, for a hard-hitting, yet fun message.

Book now while they’re still available! Cost is $650 for 1 hour/ $1000 for 2 hours.

Sincerely,
Drake and Mike: Hat Traders!™

Mike: What in the world would we do the 2nd hour?

Drake: Glad you asked. Shawn can answer…

Shawn: Book Drake and Mike Hat Traders today, and we will include a very special 60 minute demonstration of agility, skill, and just plain insanity with Shawn and his break dancing dog, Karma! Shawn busts out the grooves, as Karma breaks out the moves. In fitting with the sexually transmitted disease theme, music will be featured by such artists as Beyoncé and Courtney Love, but styled in a way that is both hip and “with it”, so the kids can dig it!

Due to an unfortunate neglect incident, Karma is actually no longer part of the duo, as he has passed on. But Shawn will continue to DJ, as your students’ imaginations run wild. C’mon C’mon, feel the vibration!

Mike: The only way I’ll agree to adding Shawn to our team is if he wears a gorilla suit with a basketball jersey. He may do that already, just want to make sure.

Drake: I haven’t written a blog in a while. I think I’m just going to edit and post this string of emails. You’ll be “Mike” and shawn will be “Shawn”

Mike: Sweet. Before you post, note that I misspelled ‘cruising’. Also, I’d like to be Greg if possible.